Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace
by lozzyluvscats
Summary: Peyton's musings as she comes to terms with events in the 5th season and puts a positive spin on things


Some ramblings from Peyton during the fifth season as she comes to terms with her situation with Lucas, and trying to be positive.

Spoilers: 5th season

Disclaimer: Peyton does not belong to me, I just borrowed her head space for a while.

**Echoes, Silence, Patience and Grace**

My name is Peyton and this is my story about loss.

There isn't much that matters to me. Music's a pretty major thing in my life – the thought that someone could pick up instruments and combine a melody with soulful lyrics, and just make sense of my world. So yeah, I believe that music can change the world, and that if a song touches just one person and makes a bad day a little better. Then that's worth it.

My friends matter to me too. Not the people I stop and talk to every so often, but the people who know me. The people who have seen the truly dark moments and stood by my side. Not that there have only been dark moments of course, but I've had my fair share.

And then there was a boy. A boy who snapped my universe into focus and looked into my soul in a way I thought only my music could. A boy who told me I mattered. A boy I lost.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote: "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it."

At first glance anyone might think that he's being overly dramatic or that he's some deep philosopher. I think he's just a man who's experienced life.

So what does that quote make me think of? Loss, I guess. After all, that's the first part of Shaw's brilliant thesis. So Shaw thinks loss is a tragedy? I can concur with that whole heartedly. Losing someone you love, well that leaves you broken. Yeah, I'm pretty sure broken is the right word. And how do you get fixed? You rely on someone to pull you through. As long as you're still breathing, still holding on, you're strong enough to make it through.

What other kind of loss is there? Sometimes I think we lose ourselves. Right now, I'm at an age where I guess I'm supposed to be figuring out who I am; but it's easy to think that I'm the only one in the world struggling sometimes. However then I think about music making sense of my world, and I know it touches a million other kids like me who feel the same way. In fact, sometimes in that moment when I'm listening to a song I feel more connected to people than I do when I'm talking to someone. I guess that's my big secret – sometimes I feel disconnected. I'm not depressed. I'm not antisocial. In fact I have great friends who I spend a lot of time with. But sometimes, just in those occasional moments when a lyric perfectly touches my soul, I feel like someone truly gets me, in a way that I fear people sometimes don't. Not until I play that song. Not until that boy.

So I suppose we get to the heart of my story. And I use the word "heart" purposefully. This isn't some extraordinary love story where a guy saves a girl in dramatic circumstances and they fall in epic love. Except that he did save me. I've experienced enough loss in my life that it's easy to close off my heart. Because sometimes you're not always sure it can be fixed. But this time, I connected with someone. So what about gaining your heart's desire? I go two desires, and it seems that that was too greedy. So I had to lose one of them. We decided to pursue our individual desires, and this led us in different directions. That's when I lost him. Not in some terrible accident, or because he cheated or I cheated. We were always too busy, too far away. We argued too much. So we decided to say goodbye. In that moment I think the world fractured for me. Maybe you think we should have tried harder, but I guess I was scared. We didn't want to sacrifice our own dreams, and we wouldn't let the other sacrifice theirs. He would have resented me if I'd made him choose. So I let him go. He let me go. But he's supposed to come back to me. I truly believe that.

So was gaining my heart's desire tragic? Maybe, because I also lost my heart's desire. My individual dream was everything I hoped for; but when you lose something you love – that's tragic too.

But do you know what? I think that pain and loss and that broken feeling make us stronger when we come out the other side. It reminds us that there's something out there that can make us feel.

I think that gaining your heart's desire is something to strive for. Perhaps sometimes tragedy is necessary for the flip side. However, if gaining your heart's desire is a tragedy – maybe it wasn't your heart's desire in the first place. If that's true – fix it.

We all need help sometimes, and just maybe there's someone out there to help us find meaning again.

Ok, so that's a lot of maybes in my story. But that's life – it's unpredictable, and that's what allows for hope.

So maybe I should end my story with a different quote. Not one about loss, but one about hope, and the belief that romance and inspiration are just around the corner for me. Belief that I can be happy.

Henry James wrote: "Be not afraid of life; believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact."

My name is Peyton and that was my story about loss. And the strength to pull through it and find meaning again.


End file.
